Amanda Johnson

Love the life you have and have the life you want

The #1 Reason We Don’t Experience Unconditional Love


Unconditional love.

You know, the kind we see in the movies. The kind where the person can do no wrong and are loved fully and truly as they are. Ah, so beautiful.

I must admit, I’m one of those sappy romantics who believe it’s possible and wants nothing more than to experience it in my own life.

And, boy, do I try. I want nothing more than to love my partner unconditionally — so why is it so hard sometimes?

I’m not suggesting that to give unconditional love is easy but I wondered if I might be missing something. I realized I was going about it in the wrong order. I was focusing all of my efforts on loving him unconditionally. And when I found myself feeling frustrated when I couldn’t seem to muster up the ability to do it, I couldn’t quite understand why.

What does it even mean to love unconditionally? According to one article I read, it means releasing judgment and accepting others as they are and choosing to act in a loving manner always.

Have you ever wanted unconditional love?

Or maybe you’re one of those people who believe it doesn’t exist. I don’t blame you. It’s hard to believe it exists when we experience it so seldom and when most of us have been going about it all wrong.


If we want to experience unconditional love, we have to start by giving it to ourselves.

This was my big “ah-ha” moment. Maybe it’s painfully clear to everyone else but it just recently clicked for me. I began to realize that if we can’t love ourselves unconditionally we’ll never be able to experience unconditional love elsewhere.


Well, because the way we see ourselves is how we see the world. So, if there is something I don’t like about myself, it’s going to become a sore spot for me when I see it another.

How can we have unconditional love for someone who possesses the qualities or does things that we don’t like about ourselves? We can’t.

Before we can even begin to love someone else fully and truly for who they are, we first must love ourselves that way.


Stop judging ourselves.

That voice that says “I can’t believe you just did that” or “That was so stupid” or “Why am I always so needy?” needs to go. Judgment is a total joy kill and it makes loving ourselves unconditionally impossible. When we judge ourselves we are placing a condition on ourselves that says “If only I were better, then I could love myself.”

Accept ourselves for who we are.

Yup, despite the number on the scale or what others say about us or how much money we have in the bank. Life is cyclical. It ebbs and flows. We have ups and downs. We need to remember that in this moment we accept where we are. It might not be where we “want to be” but that doesn’t matter. When we are unwilling to accept who we are we are placing a condition on ourselves that says, “If only I were different, then I could love myself.”

Choose to act in a loving manner with ourselves — always.

This shows up in how we talk to ourselves and how we take care of ourselves. Do we say kind things? Do we get enough sleep? Do we fuel our bodies with healthy foods? Do we care for ourselves the way we would care for another? Do we put our needs first? When we choose not to act in a loving manner we are placing a condition on ourselves that says, “When I feel good about myself, then I can treat myself better.”

If we are unwilling to love ourselves in this way, we can’t expect to show it to others.

Because each time they do something that irks us or triggers us, it will be so much harder for us to accept it and not judge it if we haven’t first developed that same kind of compassion within ourselves.

It’s a heck of a lot easier to accept someone for being late when we have already done the work to accept ourselves those times when we did the same thing.

Let’s do the work ourselves first. Then, we can think about extending this type of love to others.

And once we’ve learned how to love ourselves unconditionally and begin to extend that to those around us, we create space for them to do the same thing.

But let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves.

What is one way you can show yourself more unconditional love? Share below and inspire others by leading the charge and providing some food for thought.


Author: Presence Matters

Amanda Johnson has one mission: to help people turn their critic into their ally so they can love the life they have and have the life they want. She does this through her work as a writer and presence coach. After years of struggling with depression, motivation and finding any purpose, Amanda made a choice to transform her experience of life. She realized that when she resisted, judged or attached to “what is” she suffered and that this is true for all of us. From this place, the idea to help others cultivate ease and joy through “Presence Matters" was born. Amanda is a seasoned professional with more than 10 years’ experience performing, educating, facilitating and consulting for Fortune 500 companies with the personal mission to reach and change lives for the better. Her passion for helping others—be it a 2nd-grader or a CEO—and her ability to connect with and inspire those she meets are unleashed by her wit, charm, and eloquence, making her message resonate deeply with her audience. For more information and to work with her, visit

5 thoughts on “The #1 Reason We Don’t Experience Unconditional Love

  1. I agree Amanda. I’ve spent the last year learning to be more loving, gentle and accepting with myself. May we befriend the precious spirits inside, waiting for our love and attention. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Another great post and totally agreed with 🙂

    Learning to love myself was something I learned quite recently (Feb 2013 in fact).

    It involved some real introspection to try and analyse what self-hatred was doing to me then what I needed to do to change that.

    My self-hatred was embodied in fear. I feared expressing my wants and needs honestly, because I thought I was not worthy of them.

    I started the change that by telling myself that all people deserve my honesty even if it may not be something they may agree with, because that way they know where they stand with me.

    I also told myself that the correct expression of my wants and needs will mean that I can actually offend nobody when expressing them. If I am calm and considered in my expression, then there is no reason why anybody would ever feel hurt by them.

    This was a massive step for me. The first thing I did was confront my ex-Boss who was a real bully, From that moment on, I felt like I had nothing that I needed to hide and fear.

    My issues with anxiety practically vanished. I started to look after myself. I lost considerable weight and am now a vegetarian. I also left that job and am now studying an MA Philosophy part-time.

    This was all because I started to consider myself worthy. I learned to love the one person I needed to love the most… ME!!!

    And now I feel compassion towards all. It is directionless and unconditional. I don’t feel like I can be hated because I love.

    All this because I learned to love me unconditionally.

    The self is actually beautiful, eternal and pure. It is free from judgement and hatred. It is just detached consciousness. Self-love is just a realisation of that fact. It is the absolute knowledge, the ultimate realisation, that the essence of all beings is pure consciousness, untainted and unchanging and hence, it cannot be hated or feared. Hating any being, including yourself, would be just like hating God.

    As Shankara said “Thou art brahman…” So true and so powerful.


    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for these beautiful words!! I LOVE what you said about acting out of fear because deep down we don’t feel worthy. That is an excellent way of summing up our experience. It is such a human quality to not feel worthy and I adore that you came to a new conclusion and through that learned to accept and feel compassion for others (even if they haven’t yet come to the same conclusion). Thank you again for sharing – as always!

      Liked by 1 person

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